I woke up in a horrible, horrible mood this morning. No matter what I tried, I just couldn’t shake it. Finally I decided that I needed some much needed and much deserved alone time; so I went to the beach. Beach hours had ended and most everyone had left, leaving the beach a quiet, peaceful place to relax and renew.
As I sat there on the beach, with my hare feet in the cool sand, breathing in the salty air, I wrote down everything I had been going through in the notebook I brought with me. Somehow, seeing how I’ve been feeling in writing made it seem so real, so permanent and it hurt. It made me angry. So I wrote that feeling in the sand.
And seeing it made me feel even angrier, so I wiped it away. It surprised me how good it felt to make that word disappear, as though I were taking control, giving myself back the power over my life, and actually wiping away the anger.
One by one, I wrote my feelings down and swept them away. Each time my hand brushed the sand and erased another word, I wiped the slate clean from the earth and from my life. During this ritual, I took pictures, thinking I might like to write about this experience. But toward the end, I realized it defeated the purpose to keep those negative feelings, even if it was only in a picture.
Because the truth is, I don’t want to write about my divorce anymore.
I don’t want to write about my struggle with it anymore.
I want a clean slate.
And I feel at peace as I decide this.
I’m ready for this. I’m ready to let go of everything I erased on the beach. It’s so empowering to know that I got here on my own, accepting what happened and feeling ready to move forward.
This isn’t to say that I don’t expect to ever have negative feelings about my divorce again. Just that I’m working toward letting it go, not letting myself dwell on the negative feelings.
More importantly, I’ll just work to live in the now. After all, it’s the only thing that truly exists.