Don’t marry him.
You love him more than anything but it’s not enough. Maybe he loved you, even now I don’t really know, but I’m not sure even he ever convinced himself the marriage was real. He’s not ready for this. He won’t be ready, five years later.
I think deep down you already know this. I think you’re scared of losing him. I think you’re scared of what your future holds without him. That you’re not strong enough without him. You’ll spend years fighting for your relationship but it’s futile. He’s not a fighter. That’s why he turned to you. You were the easy path. One he didn’t have to fight for and once he had to, he walked away.
And it sucks.
You’ll feel like you’re dying. You’ll feel like it won’t ever get better. Even now, it still hurts. You feel like you’ve been robbed of years of your life.
Sure you’ve learned some lessons. But you did it all wrong. You fought for yourself in the end and he left. But had you fought for yourself in the beginning, maybe you could have learned those lessons faster and less painfully. Maybe you’d have traveled more like you wanted to, finished school, written a book, or even had kids. Maybe you would have married someone right the first time.
They say everything happens for a reason, that life sends us hurdles so that we can learn from them. But in this case, it’s just not necessary. Make other mistakes. Learn those lessons in other ways. Live your life without him, even though it’s hard. You’re strong enough to live without him. I’m doing it now. You can too.
Take back the last five years for me.