I think, at some point, we all need a little saving. We all need a superhero. But I’ve come to learn that relying on others to save us only leads us down a dangerous path.
I’ve spent my life letting others save me- my family, my friends, my ex-husband. But where has that gotten me? Divorced, few friends, living on my father’s couch, and on the brink of losing my job. I’ve never been so stressed out or scared. Every time I think things start to look better, something else knocks me down. And each time, I struggle more to get back up.
“When it rains, it pours,” my friend said to me. Right now, I feel like I’m drowning.
I would love for a superhero to sweep me up, put me on my feet with a new job, a wonderful place to live, and take care of all the worries I have right now.
But what would that really accomplish? What will happen the next time disaster strikes? Who will save me then? Is this really a pattern I’m okay with having established?
It seems to me that my weaknesses- fear, lack of self-confidence, anxiety/ depression, lack of motivation, procrastination- are more than my kryptonite, they’re also the part of me that make up my villain.
I need to unleash my inner superheroine.
But how do I define a superheroine? What qualities do I already possess or would need to possess to transition into my superheroine persona?
Super Powers– I used to think I had my own special super power: intuition. I haven’t always trusted my intuition, but it has always proved to be spot-on right. Each time I don’t listen to it- whether it’s talking to someone I shouldn’t or avoiding something I need to face- I end up regretting it. I suppose you could say that lack of self-confidence acts like my kryptonite and keeps me from using my intuition.
Bravery– I let fear act like yet another kryptonite. I let it keep me from experiencing life and taking risks. My plan to move gives me anxiety attacks each time I realize it has to happen. Even if I don’t move as far as I plan, I’m still going to have to move to a new place, one where I don’t know anyone or have any kind of support system. And it’s so scary. It stops me in my tracks each time I take steps toward making the move happen.
Arch-Rival– Me, A.K.A. Mr. Hyde, A.K.A. my secret identity . I really do feel as though I’m Dr. Jekyll battling my own (less comic-book-evil) Mr. Hyde. And though as I work through my issues, I have less “monster” tendencies, I still need a “serum” to keep the doctor in control. Through different therapeutic methods, I’m working to keep my anxious, angry, impatient stressed out Mr. Hyde at bay. Like Dr Jekyll, I try different techniques to overpower my Mr Hyde (breathing, writing, yoga, etc) but with each transformation, I need more effort to remain Dr Jekyll.
Savior– A superheroine serves the common good and lets her strong moral code guide her. She exemplifies hope because others can depend on her to do what’s right. I’ve always had a strong urge to help others, though I don’t always act on that impulse. It’s been quite a while since I’ve done charitable work and I feel as though it’s well past my time to build up my community.
Before I can truly serve others, though, I first need to work on saving myself. Maybe that sounds selfish but if you don’t have a stable foundation, those you seek to help will just crumble on top of your own ruins.
And I want others to have the opportunity to come to me for guidance and salvation. More importantly, I want my own Mr. Hyde to seek the help of my own Dr. Jekyll. I want to find the right potion to keep Mr. Hyde at bay. Because in the end, no one can save me but me.